Shrink Rap: Ask Dr. S | Managing Desire
Shrink Rap: Ask Dr. S | Managing Desire
Check out questions from the following three people who all got answered together below.
Dear Dr S.,
J. and I have been together for ten years and married the last four. Our sex life used to be great. Now we only have sex once every 2-3 weeks, and it’s always the same predictable script. My sex drive is strong and I pleasure myself frequently. I have no idea if J. does too -- he won’t talk about it. When I try to discuss our sex life, he dismissively says things like, “This is normal for people who are married... sex is what gets you together, it doesn’t last.” Help! Part of me is withering.
-- Frustrated in Flatbush
Dear Dr. S.,
During sex with my boyfriend I usually fantasize to keep me juiced. I have lots of great fantasies. The other day he asked what I fantasize about. When I shared some of them, he got upset because none involved him. Sex with him is fun and our relationship overall pretty good. But since then, he's been distant, moody and less interested in sex. Should I have not told him? Should I have lied? Is it weird to think about others when I'm with him?
-- Fantasy Guy
Dear Dr. S.,
I am an older gay man, happily married with my husband for over thirty years. I have recently spoken to other long term couples who have reignited their sexual lives by inviting in a third (often younger) sexual partner. I proposed this to my husband. He has absolutely no interest. I think he disapproves. Any insights?
-- Stir crazy after all these years
Dear Frustrated, Fantasy, and Stir Crazy,
Hmm, detect a theme here? Is it comforting or depressing to realize how not alone you are? Managing sexual desire, attraction and activity is apt to be a concern at some point for most ongoing couples. How often to have sex, what it should include, who it should include, how to keep the spark alive, disparities in attraction and desire, the role of self-pleasure/fantasy/porn... the list goes on.
Of course, couples can negotiate and renegotiate as needed, whether to keep the relationship closed or open. Choosing monogamy obviously relieves certain anxieties and risks, but can precipitate others (ice can be as deadly as fire). An open relationship, in its many possible permutations, may solve one dilemma but comes with its own challenges. If I were Empress (not just a queer-rag two-bit advice-offerer), I'd decree that every couple sit down twice a year and calmly discuss what's currently best for each of the partner's, and the relationship's, sexual vitality.
But that would involve active communication, and who wants that? It surprises me how hard it can be for partners to have open, non-defensive conversations about sex. Deep undercurrents of shame, personal vulnerability, and poor (or non-existent) role-modeling conspire to keep these conversations scarce. Most of us lack any history or skill with dialogue like this. Further, other relationship issues often get enacted or revealed via sex, or the lack thereof. So sex conversations can feel even more fraught (fortunately, it's also true that sex sometimes uniquely heals rough patches in other relational arenas).
Frank sexual conversations take persistence. It's not a one-shot deal. If you've floated the topic with your partner and it sank, don't give up. Try again. If it sinks again, try again. Then, over time, if a needed conversation still isn't happening, try talking about not talking about it, or what gets in the way of talking. "Can we at least talk about talking about our sex life?" might be the most spot-on opener.
Still, at some point, you'll need to consider: Can the situation change? Because maybe it can, and maybe it can't. If there is room for change, explore what might be the best current option for the two of you, the right mix, the most skillful compromise. It's an experiment with no pre-ordained answer. But if the situation can't change, the wiser path lies with you making internal emotional shifts. Can I live with this? Can I accept what is without lapsing into bitterness, blame, disappointment, self-pity, or lying? Is what I/we have good enough, imperfect as it is?
Adulthood. Sometimes it sucks.
Whatever. Maybe I should just introduce all three letter writers to each other? Let's envision this: Still Crazy convinces his reluctant husband to try a three-way. Flatbush gets to be the lucky third, much to the relief of his husband, who finally gets to take up knitting. The whole shebang (he-bang?) is graphically choreographed by Fantasy Fellow's fecund imagination. Everyone's happy. See how amicably sex mingles in the fraught, precious world of intimate yearning? At least sometimes.